My Heart Hurts

The “relationship status” on Facebook kills me. We’ve all done it-you see that one of your friends goes from being “In a Relationship” or from “Married” to….”Single”, and you wonder “oh man, that’s so sad! Should I say something? Should I send them a message to their inbox? Should I text them?” About a week ago, a girl that I’ve known since I was eleven years old went from “Married” to “Single”. She was spunky and cute when we were younger, and then got a little snobby (but who didn’t in Jr. High?), and throughout high school, we would chat every now and again. She was a good girl, I liked her. She got married in October of 2009, a few months before I did, and I remember seeing her bridals and her gushing status updates on how much she loved her sweetheart. When I saw her relationship status change, I was heartbroken for her, but like most people that see the status change, I didn’t want to bring any extra attention to an obvious wound. However, since seeing that status, I couldn’t stop thinking about her and how she must be feeling, and I kept getting this strong urge to get in touch with her. I tried so hard to brush it off because, hello?! If that happened to me, I would want everyone to pretend that it didn’t happen and leave me alone. That urge inside of me to get in touch with her was so persistent that I finally gave in a sent her a private message over Facebook yesterday.
She responded to me this morning.

I won’t lie, I was pretty shocked. This girl and I were never besties, and I never remember a time when we hung out, but she opened up to me about the perfect fairy tale that she thought marriage would entail and that even though they fought and she loved the idea of being married and not the marriage itself. She noted that the wedding day was perfect, and the honeymoon was bliss, but once they returned to real life, the same problems were there, just as they had left them before the wedding. She indicated that he was always gone on the weekends, hanging out with friends that she was not allowed to befriend, he was disconnected, irritable and sometimes verbally abusive. She said that after one big fight, he packed up some things and said he would be back in a few days, to which after he left, she packed up her things and moved back with her parents. Although, still legally married, she said divorce is not an option, they are only separated for the time being, and that one day soon, he’ll change to have her back living with him.

Guh.

My heart physically hurts for her. My emotions hurt for her. I can feel this black hole that she is in, and it’s so dark and painful. However, as I sit here and think, this isn’t the first time that I have seen or heard of this kind of spousal abuse. I, myself have witnessed such an awful display of a husband treating his wife so poorly in front of others that I want to embarrass him the way that he has done so to his wife. It’s not always husband to wife, however, I have seen my fair share of abusive wives to husbands. It makes me feel so sick inside to think that something as special and sacred as marriage is treated as if it was garbage. I look in the news about all the celebrities that leave their spouses for the luxury of being “free” and I wonder how long that feeling lasts. At times, I am sure that it feels fulfilling, but I imagine it being such a lonely and sad lifestyle.

Everyone says that marriage is hard work. Before I was married, anytime I heard that I rolled my eyes, I figured as much. Only now I can say that since I am married, it is hard work; it’s the hardest, yet, most fulfilling work I’ve ever done. There is a lot of coordinating schedules, bouncing between families, planning, but honestly, I wouldn’t trade it for any amount of money or experience. I married my best friend, and even though I may unintentionally beat him in my sleep thinking his a ravenous dinosaur, he constantly reminds me and shows me how much he loves me. And that’s the best thing that anyone could ever give me.